If You Drive A Hummer, You Are Probably A Jerk

We have all seen them, The Hummer.  No, not the cool ones, the real ones, the ones which belong in the battlefield or to Arnold Schwarzenegger.  They are very distinct in their design and H logo on the side.  When I see one I think "Douchebag."  If a person drives one they want the attention, plain and simple.  People who usually want attention are douchey.  Right?  Of course right! Come one, you know it is true!  Do they have great gas mileage?  Do they hold more than another SUV?  Are they more comfortable?  I don't know, I am genuinely asking!  From my point of view, I doubt any of those are true.

When I see a Hummer roll up in the parking lot of our stone yard I think, "Ugh, a douche."  And guess what, I am always correct on this.  The person typically thinks I automatically owe them for the visit first and foremost.  Like I should be honored by their presence and their even more demeaning and annoying request.  Typically the person wants something for free and acts annoyed that things cost money.  Rule one, DON'T DRIVE UP IN A HUMMER!  The typical Hummer driver is usually way overdressed for a trip to the stone yard.  One this note, they usually look too overdressed for much of anything but especially a trip to a dusty, dirty, stone yard.

Most days are dry and dusty at our stone yard.

The average Hummer "owner" (I say this loosely because we all know people driving a Hummer probably lease it) are a picky bunch.  Much more picky than the normal Joe anyways.  They see no problem in literally wasting your whole day on something completely ridiculous and they think since they are driving a Hummer everyone else should bow down to them and their demands.  As if because of their amazing vehicle choice you should just fall all over them in complete "AWWW" and eat up everything they say.  Puke!  I do not care if a rock/stone on one side of your RENTED home is this color and you do not like it and want something different.  We are talking about 1 stone, maybe $5, and turning it into a 3 hour ordeal where no one is getting paid a dime.  Don't like the texture, the price, the color...why not go with something...not natural then?

Ok, true story...about 4 summers ago a local relator in the area comes by to get flagstone for his new home.  I help him from start to finish - walking him around to all the different varieties, pricing, let him take home samples, tell him how to install it, right down to loading.  He picked out a 2 ton pallet.  He drives a HUMMER and says he will bring back a trailer.  The trailer he brings back can only hold about 500 pounds.  What this means is, one truck can hold about 1 ton or 2,000 pounds..or in other words, he brought a small basket to freaking Costco.  I have loaded more in minivans than this trailer.  This man's trailer is still to this day the smallest trailer I have ever seen in my life.  Does it look ridiculous?  YES!  Is it annoying to deal with this man?  YES!  I don't mind putting up with all the crazy stuff as long as the person I am helping is at least nice to me.  I am not sure how many of you have hand loaded 2" thick flagstone but it is not pleasant.  It is even more unpleasant when the person you are doing it for is a real douchebag.  My heart would pound with anger after every teeny tiny trip he made.

Four times he came out to get this pallet which a normal truck would have only had to been done twice (half loaded the first trip, the second trip we can load the whole pallet in the back with the tractor).   If he had brought a regular sized trailer it would have taken 1 minute to load the trailer with the tractor and we would be done.   But remember we are dealing with a Hummer and its person.  You would think by the fourth trip he would have become familiar with the stone he had picked out, right?  Well about a month later he called to complain.  "My stone is just falling apart and I have never seen anything like this...".  Countless times he called and wanted something done about it so finally my mother and I drove over to his house to see this amazing stone which was magically falling apart.  We arrived and I just wanted to go up to him and slap him as hard as possible across his pudgy face!  Anyone remotely familiar with stone is aware that is natural (you would be amazed people).  Also, because of it being NATURAL, it is what it is, stone.  This means if it is ripply, that is how the environment around it was all those years ago.  If you want smooth, pick out a pallet of smooth.  Not sure what to tell you but this person had picked out some very pretty but ripply stone.  He did not like that his furniture was not sitting steady.

A beautiful piece of Oklahoma Flagstone...the same kind our dear friend tried to tell us was "crappy" and wanted us to give him his money back.  

 Did he want me to be Cher and "Turn Back Time" because that wasn't happening.  Why did he pick out that pallet of stone when we had hundreds of other choices which I showed him?  Why did he think it was okay to harass me at work to come look at this "hideous" stone which I had hand loaded for him?  Why did he think I owed him anything at all?  This man straight up lied to get us out there so he could try to get us to let him have it for free. Probably because I did not drive a Hummer!  My point is he took up a lot of my time, was picky, did not want to pay the price (he asked for a relator discount which does not exist), and at the end of the day wanted the stone for free.  Screw this guy!  He had already bragged to me how he had gotten his stupid Hummer wrapped - for free - because they messed up.  Really?  He showed me where the "mess up" was and I never saw it.  I already knew the type of guy he was...a pain in the ass hummer driver.  The poor people who wrapped his Hummer probably got sick of dealing with his winey self absorbed attitude and figured it was the easiest way to get rid of him.  Well screw that!  I put my time in and that little rat of a man could go suck it!  For him to try to use his "I have a Hummer so I am better" stance on me, um no thank you!  Because you have a Hummer, you are a douche!  We looked at his patio, gave him a compliment, and then walk away so we could get back to work.

The last time I saw this man I spent 30 minutes loading $6 worth of sand on his teeny tiny trailer with his hideous face wrapped on his Hummer.  It took me a long time to load because of his teeny tiny trailer mind you.  He drove up to the front to leave and was parked up there for a good 20 minutes with his flashers on, bent over looking at his tires.  I finally had a chance find out what he was doing and this was his response, "Oh, I am picking out any of the tiny rocks in my tire treads, I do not want them ruining the pain job on my HUMMER."



This is just one of many Hummer stories I have.  Do you have any?